Lost Thoughts

Over the years, I’ve lost interest in people. My mind feels constantly confused, my heart aches, and my chest feels heavy. I seem trapped in a world of uncertainty, haunted by troubling thoughts. Sometimes, when I fall for someone, it’s as simple as just looking at them. My heart might feel lighter and weaker, but I know it’s just an illusion.

Thankfully, I’ve trained myself to face the harsh realities of life. I’ve conditioned myself to be strong, emotionless, and to avoid falling in love. Yet, I’m frightened of my own emotions. I can’t figure out where my feelings are headed. How can I not be worried about myself?

I’m not sure why, but I’m constantly triggered by past love. I experience panic attacks, feeling as though I want to harm myself. I hate myself for what’s happened, even if I don’t fully understand the reasons. Whatever I’ve done, whether good or bad, I always end up regretting it. Three years ago, I isolated myself in my bedroom, remaining silent and enduring both mental and physical pain. It was no joke; I just didn’t know how to manage those terrible feelings. I don’t consider myself pretty or sociable. Maybe that’s why I lack the confidence to stand up for myself and show my true self.

Recently, I’ve been trying to find peace of mind. I’m working on clearing away negative thoughts and being honest with myself so I no longer deceive myself with fake emotions. As I move forward, I’ve realized how easily my weak heart can fall in love. Despite these tough feelings, I still feel lonely, especially since many of my friends are living their own sweet lives. What else can I do? I seem to be stuck just accepting the fact that I’m forever alone. (I’m still young, though. Why should I worry, Sofia?)

I’m not sharing this with the intention of desperately seeking a relationship. I know I’m young and don’t need to rush things, but as I’m in my twenties and many people my age are either married or in serious relationships, it’s hard not to feel the pressure.

Deep down, all I really want is someone who can comfort me when I’m hurting, crying, or sick. Or at least someone who sends a daily good morning and good night wish. I know this might sound clingy or cringy, but honestly, I’m tired of this lonely self-love. I’m sorry if I can’t even understand myself sometimes. Anyway, goodbye.

Sofia.